Pathetic Past Persists!

I was tied up with chaos of responsibilities;
I knew that I can never run away from them.
Sometimes, self-pity eats me up alive;
Sometimes, show-off fancy world of social media drowns me down;
Many times, I never had time to care beyond each day’s bread and butter,
And to uphold parents’ pride and family values in the society we lived;
From very young age, all I experienced through my family was how serious life is.
In fact, everyone around me made sure that having fun is sin.
I was so intertwined with the sadistic, misogynistic, and stereotypical ideologies of the society.
I had no friends who were truthful to me as I was judgemental and a disciplinarian.
It took me four decades and a huge heartbreak to learn and evolve.
Yet, due to my chained-elephant syndrome, I am still not able to break the invisible shackles.

The story of an Awkward Encounter

There were no butterflies,

No splashes of colours,

And no warmth;

A tangy resentment,

An annoying discomfort,

And a piercing coldness,

For the first time I felt seeing him!

I prayed not to face or speak,

My prayer went unheard as always,

I tried my best to avoid,

But he volunteered to speak:

‘Hi’

My mind voiced: ‘Augh, why on earth I come to this place!’

But incredulously smiled and replied the same word.

He inquired the well-being of me and my family.

I answered in few ‘yeses’ and ‘fines’,

I didn’t ask anything back,

Or didn’t feel anything.

However, he did pull the trigger –

“Wait, I will introduce my wife to you”

Indeed, he brought her:

She is fairer, taller, and far better in shape,

Still I didn’t feel smaller;

Huh, he is after looks, after all.

I let out a deep sigh of satisfaction,

Anger transforms to a calmer emotion,

Kind of contentment seeing him happy,

And indifference spreads over;

He never left me alone,

And I had no option too;

He spoke with all jovial gestures,

As if nothing happened between us.

I noticed his emotional stammering,

When I looked into his eyes,

He looked at me wherever I go…

Indeed, I wonder, ‘what for he is doing this drama?’

However, All my senses were engaged in watching

The wedding of our closest friend.

How long can a wedding hold me

From the frustration and anger,

From the frying pan of memories,

And from the burning fire of reality;

After the fourteen-hour of wedding topsy-turvy,

Bride and bride groom left,

And we all set for a nine-hour journey to home;

Unfortunately, I accompanied his wife,

She brought back all memories alive,

By telling familiarized stories,

Of him and his family.

Evidently she showed her wedding pictures!

She mustn’t have known of my past, indeed.

I tried my best to be amiable

And  pretended to be curious.

Never told a word of the bond

Between me, him and his family.

End of the journey…

The heaviness was stronger than ever,

I started feeling weaker,

I felt a compression in my chest,

While leaving he called my name without a reason,

And gave an elvish smile…

Thank God! They dropped me and left!

Even beyond the tiredness of my body,

My subconscious disturbed me from my sleep,

Thinking back and forth restlessly

Lost my balance and shed tears all night…

I am a human being, after all:

Indeed,  it was easy to accept,

That he is happily married;

It’s unbearably hard to listen

Another girl saying about

The man I love,

And know more than my own skin and bone.