Cutie Patootie

Judged you so badly and wanted my judgement to be true:

Just an empty sport with a spur of youth – Shallow and sleazy;

Yet another modern menace!

Wondered why I was instinctively drawn to you?

You revealed as an Edgar Allen Poe’s poem:

Line by line you shine in different shades

Still a mystery to be deciphered…

Never wanted you to grow on me

Yet you look more beautiful day by day…

Indeed, Nicholas Sparks spark the flicker:

Never imagined you to be a reckless romantic soul lurking beneath…

Wonder after wonder you are: How come a classicist are you? Jane Austen! Jules Verne!

Hopelessness dragged you to futility of War affairs though!

You glow in your aura of sportsmanship:

Discipline is the valued possession of a sportsman:

You persevere through to retain the speed and agility…

Indeed, following your passion rubs me a lot!

Yet you scare me with your masks,

With your shallowness of ‘out of sight out of mind’,

With your dark secrets and grey shades,

With your nonchalant and self-sabotaging habits!

Know not the Universal Agenda:

You did bring back life in me – anger, joy and sorrow, indeed!

Never want to slip back into nothingness and numbness anymore…

If harmlessly holding on to you helps my survival

Why not?!?

Searching for Light

How much ever I hide

 It keeps haunting me

Now-a-days I act very smart ignoring it,

I keep telling myself I’m strong,

I’m not weak anymore,

Yes, I could hold for quite long,

But, not very long as I expect,

From the same old pounding heart,

And gasping breath…

I badly want to rewind my story,

Just six years back,

And pause there forever…

I wish I still get a call

To ask me whether am I ok,

Whether I had my dinner!

I wish I still can hold the tender hand,

And continue those night walks,

I wish I still can listen to the songs he sang,

And keep dreaming my future with him…

But he abandoned me in the darkness,

With no scope of light!

I am still groping for a hand,

To pull me to the light,

How could it has been so many years now?

The sad part is he doesn’t even know

He is my first love!

When he is happily married and is living far away,

How could I even tell him ‘I miss him’?

I know the truth – the love is no more!

But, why do I search him in every man I see?

The more I search the more I’m disappointed,

I am not able to find him,

In past six years,

Some days I act I am alright,

I am happy alone,

But some days (like today)

I couldn’t hold back my tears…

 How much ever I cry my eyes out,

I scream my heart out,

Once lost is lost!

How to forget or move on?

One tiny hint of past loss hits me so strong,
Shatters all the possibilities of present,
Muddles every order into complete anarchy,
Disorients the mental balance with an emotional cramp,
Makes everything that makes sense into nothing;
Meaninglessness engulfs all the hope,
Tragedy starts to feed on me…
Beyond self-restraint, emotions burst out,
Never want another awkward encounter,
Just hearing the hint tried to keep away,
However, unexpected visit shocked me,
The man, I am not yet get rid off,
I had been insanely weaving dreams with,
I believed as my future,
But proved me wrong,
And now as a husband of another woman,
Came to my little room,
With his brother,
To invite to his brother’s wedding,
He spoke not a word,
My stupid formal greetings and welfare questions,
Sounded so odd even to me,
He answered with smiles and hand gestures,
It was not more than five minutes,
He left the place,
My hands were shivering,
My heart was quivering,
I keep telling myself: I’m done with him,
The flashback starts,
I still know not what went wrong,
Why didn’t he want me in his life?
Tears were rolling down,
Crying over spilt milk is useless though,
Emotions have no reason,
Everything is changed now,
So formal and very far,
No playfulness or stupid laughter,
Very sane and composed,
The old friendship is lost,
Which I’m still searching madly,
Does he miss his old self?
Does any of those cute moments cross his mind?
Because I do miss them every moment,
There are thousand reasons to hate,
Or to get rid off,
But no reason could stop the heart,
It keeps loving and keeps wishing goodness for him…

Memories memories memories…

It hurts to step in to a gym again,
Once you inspired me,
I trod, rowed, jogged, cycled,
To reach you…
You were a dazzling goal,
Never made me worn out,
Of sweat or of cramps or of pains;
Now I lost both you and my shape,
It’s been a half-a-decade now,
No inspiration, no goal;
Except the fear of ill causes of obesity;
I tread but my legs weigh a hundred ton,
Every machine reminds me of you,
More than my flesh my heart weighs heavier,
I used to run on and on,
But now even walking seems next to impossible!
Visuals of she and you walking hand in hand,
Ignoring me standing beside…
Never know when do these images fade away,
I am still worthless of any relationship,
Still didn’t get over the fear of failure,
No one ever knows,
The intensity of the pain,
Of losing both dream and love,
I know not what yet to come,
But this pain is worth the life time,
Wishing for change of place and people;
Why the hell I don’t find a way,
To run away from these same old stuffs!

Memories Diminish Me!

Taylor Swift is singing in my ears,

Of the last kiss she had with her boyfriend,

I close my eyes,

Memories flash in –

I see you and me walking in the rain,

You jump in the pit of water,

That splashes on my feet,

I turn to scold but laugh,

At seeing your cute child-like expression.

I see you and me riding in a bike,

I smell the unique musky fragrance,

Without any blend of bottled perfumes,

My hand is trembling to hold your shoulder,

My heart beat races as if it goes to stop,

I sense fluttering butterflies in my stomach.

She sings how she likes him…

I like your pitch dark black thick hair,

I like the sparks in your eyes,

I like your mystical smile,

I like your tiny tender fingers,

That play on key board,

I like your husky and lusty voice,

That sings sweeter than honey,

I like everything about you…

She sings in high-pitch:

“So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe

And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

Hope it’s nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines

And it’s a beautiful day

And something reminds you

You wish you had stayed

You can plan for a change in weather and time

But I never planned on you changing your mind”

The song reaches the denouement,

My eyes are dripping with tears,

As I see you walking away

Even without a goodbye,

Though it hurts,

You look so very divine…

How could I open my eyes?

Holding back is Lifetime Misery

I am seeking remedy for the remorse

Of  my withheld love

I sneaked out without a good bye,

I didn’t even propose on face;

I believed in the subtle beauty,

Of sharing love without words;

I was hanging on and on,

Dragged on with false hopes,

Holding to mindless dreams,

It didn’t even worth a look back…

However, it doesn’t have an end

Whatever extremes it may have,

I should have tried to reach it,

Now it can never be expressed,

And that hurts me a lot.

Either acceptance or denial

I should have tried for at least a full-stop

Now, it’s just ellipses without an end.

Trying out the fullest will not be a burden,

At least it gives a feel of vent out,

But, waiting for a time that would never come,

Is a lifetime pain!

Agonizing Reverie

Nothing in you hinders me now,
The colourless transparency
And the colourful child-like nature
Are vanished
And you are no more a man I love,
Perfectly, you made your choice,
To be a possession
Of a suitable girl who copes,
With your undulating and uncertain nature,
Indeed, I am saved from new you.

But, my whole being is accustomed,
To you and your reverie:
When I walk alone
I still feel you beside me,
When I am laid down in silence,
I am still thrilled to hear you
Singing behind my ears…
You walked along with me
For a few days,
You sang for a few hours,
None and nothing replace them
Even after a few years.

I erased your number,
Your pictures,
Your songs,
Your emails,
Your messages,
From my computer and phone.
But:
I can see your face
With my waking eyes,
I can hear your voice
With my open ears.
Give me the short-cut keys
To erase them from my senses.

Struggling to Forget

It’s 1 AM I am still awake,

Walking lonely in the terrace;

Under the moonlight,

Fighting against the memories-

Those are as bright as,

And as numerous as shining stars!

When I first met you,

I never had sensed the peril,

You are an angel of all goodness though;

When I first spoke with you,

I never had a qualm,

Your voice would cast an eternal spell;

Now that I am sitting here

Thinking it through,

You have never done anything wrong;

So I have nothing to blame,

But I have a few questions to ask:

Why didn’t you give me a chance –

To evince the unexpressed words,

To bestow the un-sent gifts?

Why do you give me the same pain –

The girl you loved gave you once?

Why didn’t you invite me for your wedding?

Everything you did and said,

You say and do are right!

So I am in desperate plight.

Baby, you never know,

I have never missed to peep into my mobile,

For past four years,

With blind hope:

One day you will dial or message me –

“I miss you”

Till I come to know that you are wedded

Through a third-person!

And how much ever I cry,

I am not able to find me back

Or I am not able to ignore-

The waft of breeze that grazes my face,

The smell of soil when drizzles touch the earth,

The silvery full moon light that ignites my eyes,

The music and musicians those you revered the most,

As you haunt me through them as a whirlwind!

The Moon and the Sky – You and I

The sky was bright, wide and empty.

The full moon slithered in;

The emptiness and wideness,

Of the sky are adorned,

With silver radiance,

With warmth and coolness,

Each moment of togetherness,

Sprinkled as a star of joy.

The freaky full moon,

Even without an alert,

Sneaked into another galaxy,

From reach of the sky,

Years passed away,

But, the sky is strewed

With stars of memories-

The stars are invisible

At day time though they are there,

The stars hurt a lot,

At night time as they twinkle bright!

The sky was much prettier,

With bright emptiness;

The moonless sky is dark and dreary,

Stars no more adorn the sky,

But they prick the peace of the sky!

The sky tries hard to erase

The trace of moon and the stars-

All go in vain!

Uninvited Guest in the White Veil Occasion

The church is filled with the radiance of celebrations

Men and Women are presented in their best costumes,

An unusual decoration on an unusual day

All happy faces, giggles and chit-chats,

The glow and glitter drags me in,

With inquisitive look I enter the church,

I find it as a wedding,

It’s been a long time,

I witnessed a christian nuptial,

And involved myself in a celebration,

I seat in a corner of left aisle,

The names of bride and bridegroom are announced,

The bridegroom’s name sounds sweet as honey,

The name I have been hanging on for a long time,

Even beyond the dejection with false-hope!

I get goosebumps as an instinct,

From the right aisle the bride glides through,

With her stunning glittery looks,

With her long and wide white gown,

With the silvery ribbons and diamond jewels.

I smile with blush as I put myself in the bridal attire,

I turn to have a look at the man

With the sonorous name-

A boom in my heart…

My body freezes from head to toe,

I sense nothing,

It feels I am dead in a grave,

The tears roll down unconsciously,

The cheeks don’t even sense the wetness.

My hands and legs are sweating and shivering,

In the edginess my heart beats are amplified,

To an extent that nothing can be heard,

My eyes keep zooming as an SLR camera,

The profile of man in his wedding suite,

It’s not the same name but the same man!

The man I love for the past 5 years

Passes without noticing me!

As he steps on dais along with the bride,

I spring up to run away,

The crowd pushes me back in the seat,

The priest starts the ceremony,

My gut badly wants to scream:

‘I deny! Please Stop!’

I even want to kneel before him

And propose dramatically,

I wish he sweeps me off from the ground,

And shove the ring in my finger,

But he says: “I will” with wide smile and tinted blush.

They exchange rings,

They hug each other with laughter.

I watch everything so helplessly!

I don’t want him to look at me

As I am an uninvited guest.

I sneak out from the church.

With tears and no one to console

Except for Taylor Swift’s lines:

“As I paced back and forth all this time

‘Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on, the days drag on

Stupid girl,

I should have known, I should have known

That I’m not a princess,

This ain’t a fairytale

I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down…”